Householder and Monk

We’ve been slowly rising out of a dark age spiritually. For some time, real spiritual progress was best achieved by withdrawing from the heaviness of the world. Thus, for hundreds of years, the most illustrious examples of enlightenment have often been monks and nuns. Many traditions have come to teach the renunciate path as the only way to enlightenment.

While this has been relatively true for a time, it is no longer true. As world consciousness rises, dharma is restored and householders can once again make decent progress. Some are becoming remarkable shining lights. Older history shows many past examples as well. The majority of ancient texts like the Rk Veda were written by householders.

A householder is one who is out in the world, with work, family, and so forth. A renunciate or recluse is one who withdraws to an ashram, monastery or cave. The vast majority of people are the first.

The renunciate path you can recognize by its Neti Neti (not this, not this) approach. It is a disconnecting from all expression, seeking only the depths of silent being. The reality of the person is denied. Some promote this as the only truth. But there is a different approach for the householder.

For them, it is in some ways the opposite. And this, and this. A householder is obliged to very much engage their person as an aspect of their expression. They add the full range of creation to their daily life.

In the back of the book Science of Being, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi describes the “Paths to God Realization.” In it, he specifies that the Intellectual path of discrimination is the path of the renunciate. Other paths, such as that of action & perception, devotion, and so forth are generally householder paths.

If a householder tries to follow a renunciate path, they will succeed at neither. Very simply because they will be in conflict. Their natural inclinations will fight their practice. But because of teaching influences, many householders drift in a kind of middle ground, with one foot in each.

They pursue long daily spiritual practice while trying to hold down work and a life. Or they focus on practices that are better for monks such as long retreats or a deep practice of inquiry.

I say this from experience. When I first read Maharishi’s reference above, I thought this meant I had to be a renunciate. I didn’t even know how.(laughs) When I began, long practice was more necessary for good progress. But millions of meditators have softened and smoothed the way.

We have to note that it’s not all black and white, as my error above indicated. Many people are inclined to a combination of paths. Royal or Raja Yoga itself, outlined in the Yoga Sutras, is a blend of Yogas.

Further, people’s personalities vary. More introverted people will have reclusive tendencies, even if they’re householders. And renunciates may benefit from some activity in the world. Many do good works, for example.

This also does not mean a householder should not take periods of retreat from the world for rest, healing and deepening. And some retired people may find retreat ideal. But only the renunciate should pursue this over all. The householder should not see withdrawing as an escape from worldly troubles or a means to enlightenment.

Also, this does not mean a householder will not go through the same stages as a renunciate. There will still be a detachment and witness phase. But for the householder, this is a stage whereas for the renunciate, it is the emphasis. And they will relate to the stages differently.

The apparently indistinct line between the 2 can confuse people and there are many promoting detachment as the goal. But what feels natural? There is so much richness beyond ego-surrender, it cannot be imagined. To deny that over confusion about our path is to miss the fullness of our being.
Davidya

Souls, Groups, and Flames

An interesting discussion came up in a forum and I thought it useful to touch on a few things around souls and soul connections. Not a topic I’d want to over-emphasize, but it’s useful to have some clarity.

Souls
I’ve discussed the soul on this site a few times, such as in Seat of the Soul or the Soul’s Past. There are other things people may point to and call the soul but to me, it’s the golden-white light in the heart space. It is connected to the divine with a silver thread out the top of the head and leaves the body when it dies. All life-forms have one to some degree.

The life force (prana, chi) expresses itself through various means, including energy centres and our physiology. As the first link above talks about, there is also a life-spark in the head. Yogananda called this the soul. To me, the soul is the larger light in the heart.

Name
Each soul has a name, an energetic or vibratory signal that may be heard or felt. It is quite unpronounceable with a mouth and is much more subtle than a spoken word. This has also been called the “true name” and our given names curiously often reflect phonemes from it. This is also distinct from different kinds of spiritual names but again, there can be a connection.

Soul Groups
While the karmic connections between souls are complex and intertwined, we typically will travel through lives with some people from a shared journey. Sometimes the connection is driven by resolving incomplete desires and feelings from prior time together. Sometimes, we’re brought together in shared purpose. Or both. We tend to feel a resonance or sense of connection with people in our soul group, like they’re familiar before we get to know them. But if not, circumstances pull you together until you do. If the connection is strong, it may bring with it expectations of who they are from the past. But their present life may or may not reflect that.

In his Essene Mirrors talk, Gregg Braden points out that attraction does not necessarily mean you should have an intimate relationship. It may simply mean there is something to resolve between you. Or they can bring you the key to the next step in your growth. Resonance with an awake person is also a great way to awaken spiritually.

Of course, there can also be relationships that show up to resolve karma that may not have a soul group connection. And you’re more likely to connect with your group when you’re living to purpose.

Twin Flames and Soul-Mates
I’ve heard a lot of nonsense and variability around these terms. Some use “soul-mate” to mean a good friend or wife. Or to mean our “one true love.” I use the term soul-mate to describe souls we have a strong, close resonant connection with. Someone we have a lot of ancient history with. As such, we can have several soul-mates. They may not become lovers. They may not be at the same point in life or even on the same plane of life as we are. But the connection will be strong. They may even push buttons for us and find us both attracted and repelled.

If we long for “the one true love”, I would suggest that is actually the Divine as no human can ever do more than be a vehicle for Divine love. A relationship based on that makes for a wonderful connection but we’re recognizing the Divine in each other, as the Namaste greeting represents.

Similarly, some describe our “twin flame” as the one true love. That is rather idealized, unfortunately. Love is boundless and eternal so is never limited by this or that form. Along with the twin flame concept is the idea that our souls were split in 2 and will never be whole unless we find our twin. Again, it is spirit that will make us whole, not a person. And the soul is a focus or spark of the Divine. It is never divided, spilt or broken. It may become lost to our awareness, but it is never lost to itself or the Divine. This is similar to the idea of “soul fragments”. We may certainly feel unintegrated, like parts of ourselves are spread about, our energy scattered through time and space. But the soul itself remains undivided. (“he who should not be named” included)

While I’ve not experienced this fully, the experience suggests your twin flame is born together with you as a pair and your lives flow juxtaposed and balanced. Just as there is a thread that rises out of your crown to connect you to the Divine, so too there is a thread from the heart connecting you with your pair. This does not however mean you’ll spend a lot of lives together. Only that you’ll balance each other. As another observed, we’ll usually be better able to serve apart from each other or we won’t be balancing. One fellow suggested you’d know each other in only about .3% of lives and have an intimate relationship in a fraction of those. Can’t speak to the accuracy of that and I’m sure it varies, but it gives you an idea. Another idea is that the twin flame shows up in your final human lifetime.

It’s worth noting that some people are “fallen” angels. As such, their twin may be an angel. That certainly limits the relationship possibilities. 

Again, this does not mean you cannot have profoundly intimate and loving relationships with a soul-mate or 2. But if we really want the eternal juice, we’ll only find that in the Divine.

Guardians
Guardian angels are other beings that we have a long soul-level relationship with. Friends Forever we can count on. They are themselves part of groups or teams with a hierarchical structure rising to the Divine. But their work is with us. Clearly, life is a sea of interconnectedness in a field of oneness.

How could it be otherwise? 
Davidya

Non-Violent Communication

Much of our emotional pain and struggles in life are due to unmet needs. These have developed through resistance and denial of what is and being trained that some emotions are unacceptable. This is most obvious in relationship troubles where we’re expecting our partner to meet those needs. However, this is often an unconscious process – we don’t even know what those needs actually are, except maybe generally. How can we then ask for them properly? Nor do we properly distinguish between needs (non-negotiable) and wants (flexible). We end up projecting blame and judgement on others. Conflict and disappointment are the inevitable result. And a desire for control.

This judgement and positioning mode is so common in our culture that even professional helpers don’t recognize it. In fact, it’s built into our language. For example, depression has become classed as a mental illness when in most cases it is the simple consequence of missing self-skills. We don’t even know that, just as physical pain is a signal something is off, so too “negative” emotions are a sign of energetic discord and unmet needs. Needs that can be directly addressed if recognized. Rosenberg on the subject. (Youtube)

Poor skills have made it acceptable to shame others and lay on guilt trips and make having feeling bad. Many don’t even think happiness is safe. But we all feel so it’s better to develop some decent emotional skills. Otherwise we’re walking bags of crud, ready to explode and radiating disturbance in our body and the community.

With the right skills and self-empathy, we can actually meet many of those needs ourselves internally. But others behaviour still has an impact on our experience of life so good tools to resolve conflict and communicate better can be potent.

I’ll shortly be taking an empathy workshop based on the principles of non-violent communication (NVC). I thought it worth reviewing the main points prior, which lead to this.

NVC is about shifting from a divisive will-based stand to communicating with a feelings-based empathy model. It’s also called compassionate communication. In any communication, you listen empathetically and express honestly. This happens in a simple 4 stage process, paraphrased.

1) Observations – Rather than evaluating and judging which we’re often cultured to do, we simply state factually the behaviours and conditions that are impacting us. This steps out of blame, but the listener has to recognize this or they’ll immediately be defensive.

2) Feeling – we name the feelings that result. Because of the above, I feel ______.
You need the mind to name the feeling but not its judgment. You want to identify internal feeling states. There is no right or wrong here. Being able to name the emotion without moral judgment enables a connection of mutual respect and cooperation rather than blame and defence.

3) Needs – what do we need to resolve the feelings? What needs are not being met? These unmet needs are what is triggering unpleasant emotions. NVC has a short list of emotions and needs that serve as a handy reference. Needs are pretty universal. They are not tied to a specific person or individual. Pleasant emotions like happiness and peace arise when our needs are met.

4) Requests – State what we want (not don’t want), as a request. Be clear and specific. This is not a demand which brings emotional pressures, like guilt. As a request, the other person must be able to say no or propose an alternative. You take responsibility for getting your own needs met, and you let them take responsibility for theirs. You want voluntary consent or it’s just another conflict.

With enough self-empathy, you can ask in spirit. And you can use internal techniques I talked about here.

For some, this may seem pointless or primitive, especially if you’re a man. But it’s a remarkable re-framing if we’re willing to explore. Get out of the head a little and find out whats happening in the feeling space. If it’s confused or numb, there’s some resolving to do.

You can use this in relationship and within yourself. When you follow the named feeling back to the unmet need, it may surprise you. Whats been bugging you (the unmet need) may not be what you thought it was at all. It’s always about you.

These feelings and needs are not complex. The primary ones NVC lists are around a dozen each.

[Update: Feelings & Needs Inventories (pdf, 833k)]

A lot of communication is just saying Please and Thank You: Please meet my need and Thank You for that. But it so often is masked in stories and drama and thus brings mixed results for everyone.

With a little practice – and it will need practice as the old habits can be persistent – it can change our relationships and satisfaction significantly. Here’s a wiki on how to practice it.

And here’s a clip on Empathy

As the saying goes, peace begins within.
Davidya

Healing Perfection

I’ve noted that people’s life passion often arises out of what they had to overcome or heal. In a sense our mission may be fueled by what we don’t want or what we want to help others avoid or overcome. Thus we become seekers, psychologists, helpers, and healers.

In another forum, this came up in the context of spiritual teachers. Byron Katie apparently said that she still teaches “because she realized that some aspects of the Self have not yet been integrated.” This is similar to the idea that a teacher learns more than the student. Much the same way, I write as a process of clarification and integration and have found that sharing this is valued by others.

The commenter observed that everyone in a satsang who shows up is a part in the process of being made whole, including the teacher. A good healer or therapist or teachers job is to heal what shows up in whatever form. You may recognize the related idea of Ho’oponopono. Heal within what is showing up outside and both are healed. This is seeing the Self in all.

This cannot take place on the level of mind. If a teacher sees themselves as the “realized one”, they divide themselves from students and fail to support this process. Many teachers don’t recognize this dynamic at all. Similarly, if we see teacher or God as other or more than ourselves, we artificially divide. We’re all in this together.

A non-dualist may balk at such statements. They may deny any healing should take place as reality is only whole and perfect. And while this is true, when wholeness experiences itself as identified or attached or ill, then some healing can take place in a return to wholeness. It may seem a paradox but if you recognize there is only literally one of us here, it makes more sense. The paradox is resolved in true oneness.

The time real healing takes is directly related to the depth of surrender. Surrender isn’t something we do but rather allow. We let go of the grip or resistance and what is already whole replaces it. You may better relate to this as stress – a cause or complicating factor in the majority of physical and emotional illness.

When surrender is deep enough there is an awakening. As it deepens, more and more wholeness arises. What I call stages unfold.

The apparent individual processes the integration of what remains to be integrated, heals what remains to be healed, and releases what remains to be released. In that process, we see activity that might be called satsang or teaching or healing.

There is perfection in wholeness and healing in the coming together of the parts into wholeness.
Davidya

Feeling is Believing

Recently, I did another workshop on working with your energy centres with Nancy Shipley Rubin. It was part 2 of the “solution field” process we learned last fall.

While the workshop covered all chakras, I’ll focus on the 2nd here. It plays a key role in our experience of life and our ability to create what we’re seeking. The second is the main energy centre for our emotional sheath, also called the astral or vital body. It’s also where we tend to carry the most baggage. The related third drives the lower mind and will, that which names and judges. It is also the lower protector or guardian.

Unmet Needs
Much of our disappointment in life is from unmet emotional needs. Out of touch with ourselves, we unconsciously project our needs into the world and seek them externally. Expecting others to somehow mind-read what we don’t recognize in ourselves, the world fails us repeatedly.

When someone else is projecting on us, it takes a lot of strength not to get caught in it. Ironically, if we close our energy in protection (common for most of us), our energy will amplify their projections, reflecting it back. This of course amplifies conflict and discord too. To just be able to see it as their projection of unmet needs profoundly changes relationships. (not that I’m well-practiced at that)

Many relationships fail because of unconscious needs that cease being fed by the other person due to changing circumstances and growth.

Yet if we can learn the simple ways to resolve internal conflict and repressed feelings, we can clear the way to meet our emotional needs internally. For example, we can’t project when we’re grounded and present. And wouldn’t you like to be happy for no reason? Happiness is part of our nature and will arise if we cleanse the emotions.

This is not to say we shouldn’t love and express feelings, only that this is a giving and sharing rather than a co-dependency. When we don’t depend on another for basic emotional needs, our inner life settles markedly. But this requires skills, like learning to tell the difference between our old baggage (unmet or unresolved) and what we’re feeling now (new).

What we feel, we believe
Like seeing is believing, what we experience directly we tend to believe. However, events can trigger emotional memories that feel real but may no longer be true. Like that we’re bad or unworthy. They have a kind of “magnetic” quality, due to embedded desires. They are the story of what was not met in the past. And they continue to filter our perception of ourselves, others and the world. In some ways, beliefs are named emotions with ideas attached.

This causes us to live driven from the past and from avoidance rather than from what is here in front of us. It also tends to create life dominated by what is unmet (used to want) rather than what we want now. Emotional literacy helps us become aware of our internal dynamics and differentiate between a triggered memory, resistance, and what is actually here now.

Inversely, if we’ve repressed our feelings and don’t feel the dynamics, we’ll tend to try and force things, striving and pushing against what is. This is more common for men. ‘Real boys don’t cry.’ And if you can’t relate to this, numbness is an emotion too, a good sign of long-term overwhelm.

Where do we feel it coming from? What is the “tone” of the feeling? Does it feel forced or resistant? Is it a natural response to circumstance we can let flow through us? If it’s not clear, a reality check may be helpful. Talk it out with someone not involved for perspective. It can take time to resolve an emotion fog. But it’s more than worth it.

One belief we do want to have is that feeling good is safe. Many such beliefs are quite healthy. But many messages we got out of anger or to correct childhood behaviour may no longer serve us.

Conflicting Beliefs
We all experience areas of life that move well and other areas that are bumpier. These bumpy spots indicate we have unresolved emotional dynamics (aka karma) that create a conflict between our higher and lower selves. Nancy called this a “warble.” Where our higher self is open to what is unfolding but our lower self is hesitant and blocking that flow. In a way, we hold both the problem and the solution in a duality rather than letting the solution through. Old past belief-experiences get in the way of solution. But curiously, even familiar suffering can feel safer than the change of opening to happiness. With the familiar, we feel safe and in control even if we feel bad. Or nothing.

Feelings, even fear, are not the enemy. They are life’s richness. Fear and anger are often a form of protection. They are not a problem in themselves. It is the attempt to resist, suppress and control emotions and not let them resolve that makes them an issue. This doesn’t mean dwell in the muck but rather allow them to complete and leave. When we face a large trauma or change, it is natural for it to take time to heal. But we need to give it that time and not repress.

Because we often experience others as emotionally fickle and unable to meet our needs, we may come to distrust love. I’ve met many in my age group who have become ambivalent. But love isn’t a second chakra emotion. It’s the divine in focus and flow. Love is simple and unattached. What we love will grow in our hearts. Love based on needs is not really love. This is why we can love someone but not like them.

When the higher and lower are in sync, we experience the smooth flow of the formless into form. What we know the feel of, we can create. Do you know what hope actually feels like? Safety? Feeling is the energy before form and what sustains our world. What do you feel?

These points were only a small part of the other chakras we also discussed and experienced. But they are key things to get to know in ourselves. Especially for a guy. Real guys do cry – especially out of happiness.
Davidya

Meeting What You Need

I’ve spoken here a number of times about the importance of allowing, of letting ‘what is’ be there, of letting emotions arise and complete. When we resist the flow of energy, we don’t see what is, our feelings and intuition get blocked and it consumes a lot of our energy. We find ourselves “in our heads” or in a drama of reactivity.

When we allow life to be as it is, we move into the flow and find life full of little miracles. We heal our old wounds. Allowing or surrender is also the key to spiritual awakening or enlightenment. This is a natural state that cannot be reached by force or resistance.

Allowing does not mean we should be passive or should not act. Only that we should learn to act in tune with the flow of nature rather than against it. Capturing the wind with our sails is much easier than paddling upstream.

Recently, I attended another of Nancy Shipley-Rubin’s workshops. This one was themed Creating Intentions that Work.

We again explored the experience of being energetically/emotionally open & closed and how closed would amplify conflict with others while open would diffuse it. Also the difference between a healthy (open) no and an unhealthy (closed) no. These are basic skills for life that surprisingly few people know. And yet how we hold our energy has a profound effect on our experience of life and relationships. Because our energy system is distinct from the mind, the mind is often the last one to recognize these dynamics. It requires new skills.

In this workshop, she added something more to the allowing I mention above. Allowing lets us release old emotional traumas and let go of our resistance to recognizing how we feel. Once we have a sense of how we’re feeling, it begins to open us to our power to create.

Often our will, which serves as a protector, creates a barrier between our upper energy centres and our lower ones. Between our love, intuition, & imagination and our vitality & ability to manifest. Many people live in their heads or in ungrounded spirituality. They’re out of touch with how they feel and thus their creative power. Or, they’re caught in an emotional drama of internal conflict that has no ending.

With allowing, many emotions will complete & dissolve. But some will keep coming back as they’re expressing an unmet need. This requires taking it to the next level.

Nancy asks us to notice what we’re feeling. Give the feeling a name. Ask what need the feeling calls for. Intend the feeling from the 6th (not the mind; make it simple and clean like “safe” or “happy”). This instantly creates the field to meet the need. As mentioned above, mind may be the last to recognize the effect though.

Notice how simple it is. The most powerful techniques often are. The results can be immediate.

To put this another way, most of our emotional needs can be met internally. This unencumbers relationships burdened by expecting others to meet our needs. It also illustrates the habit of seeking outside of ourselves. With this process working, we can meet not just our emotional needs but most needs by directly manifesting our intentions.

The trick is, we first need to do some allowing to clear the deck enough so we can sit comfortably with how we feel. It also helps a lot to have a spiritual practice that grounds us in something deeper and supports allowing. If we find we’re making a lot of story & explanations & objections or processing/ churning, that’s the mind – probably trying to control it. Come back to open allowing.

If it’s not working, we either need to clear a little more or there is a lack of congruence between the upper intention and the lower feeling/instinctive body. The feelings don’t believe it or the protector at the 3rd is acting as a barrier – the mind isn’t accepting it and we don’t feel safe. But we can intend safety too.

This is where an experiential workshop is very useful. A good teacher can guide us into correct experience and past the pitfalls of the mind second-guessing and feelings playing their hiding dance.

Being dissonant between our intentions and feelings creates fear. But curiously, it’s the protector that is creating this fear, not the vital (emotional) body. This fear is a little more subtle and unconscious. It responds with force or with uncertainty: that’s a key to recognize. If you’re trying to force this in any way, it’s not going to work. We have to start from open allowing. Perhaps unexpectedly, therein lies our power.

The lower fields are what power our lives so developing internal congruence can be very beneficial. But we’re typically driven by old habits and automatic responses. Most of us walk around closed, wondering why the world is so grumpy. To make this work, we have to be congruent and the intention grounded.

Of course, there was much more. Nancy gives rich, experiential workshops to help you learn this stuff.
Davidya

Nancy Shipley Rubin

Nancy Shipley Rubin is a psychic intuitive and counselor. Twice a year, she and her husband Errol come out of paradise in Hawaii to do a tour of the west coast, offering workshops and personal sessions. She also has an annual retreat.

She’s been coming here for over 25 years and some good friends have been going to their workshops for much of that time. I’ve been to several. Her primary focus is on teaching us to work more consciously with our energy system. How to open, clear and protect ourselves. She indicates most spiritual aspirants these days are clearing their heart and throat chakras on the rise to awakening.

This year however she returned to the lower 2 chakras. She calls the first and second the Vitality centre. Our culture tends to encourage closing the 2nd chakra, home to our emotions, creativity and manifesting ability. This imbalances the energy, causing illness and various other side-effects. Many spiritual people are more open upstairs but closed below. Thus the running joke about how spiritual people are always sick and broke. She used to call Vitality the Wounded centre. The emotional body is certainly where many of us carry our heaviest loads.

Their web site talks about the Vitality program and the principles around it. However, the exercises were the most profound part. For example, after learning to notice the state (open or closed) of our second chakra by feel (surprisingly distinct), we practiced interacting with closed 2nd’s. Conflict and negative feelings seemed to automatically escalate. But as soon as just one of us opened the 2nd, the energy diffused and the upset party was soothed and unable to escalate. For me, it felt almost like flushing; in the open 2nd and down and out the 1st.

Another profound exercise for me was calling a Vitality principle while being open. A great exercise in embodying one’s spiritual development.

It was fascinating to see how, when we close off to avoid feeling our unresolved emotions, we’re closing only to ourselves but not the world. Others still feel it (mostly subconsciously) leaving us open to manipulation or  relationship based on pain. Not to mention that we’re holding this in our manifesting centre. How to Call in the Yuck. And we’re blocking the richness of life itself.

Most of us have a deeply ingrained habit of keeping the 2nd closed in our culture. So it can take some practice to open and make a habit of it. This simple difference creates a very different way of seeing the world. From fear or from open safety. The mechanics of how people create their own hell become clear, as well as how great sages darshan works. Spirit embodied in the lower chakras brings the presence people so resonate with. And the simple presence of an open 2nd can be a profound healing for those nearby. All of it is automatic.

Nancy has one more workshop on this tour, in CA. Then a retreat in early May. They don’t do much publicity, just going by word of mouth so they can work with small numbers of earnest people. But they offer the kind of practical wisdom that can make a profound difference in your experience of day-to-day life, if you’re ready to make that step. Our world will be a marvelous place when such knowledge becomes commonplace.

Heaven is always open,
Davidya

Opening the Hearts Door

Back on 10 Steps to Enlightenment, I note the importance of experiencing our nature and study to understand it. Spirit & mind. But I also mention Housecleaning. Taking a look at our emotional baggage.

I’ve found this a key aspect of the awakening process. While the second unfoldment is around the heart and thus it’s cleansing is critical, I’ve observed that there is often some emotional cleaning prior and after each stage. Some acceptance may be required to let go of the ego in Self-realization and theres the emotional drivers to resolve afterward. The “last stress” can also be emotional. The core fear and BBQ come prior to letting go of the identity before Unity, followed by the falling away of a new layer of shoulds and musts. And so forth. People use the analogy of peeling the onion. It can sometimes seem like you clear some layer, then circumstances bring another layer to awareness. This last year has surprised me with what circumstances have brought forth. (laughs)

I’ve been reading Adyashanti’s new book, Falling Into Grace. While it’s largely a lighter more introductory read, he makes some profound points.

“As a spiritual teacher I’ve seen over and over again that people can have very deep and powerful revelations, even real awakenings to the truth of their nature, and yet at the same time they can still have a deep hesitation or even fear to enter into real human intimacy.”

He described intimacy earlier:
“When we become intimate with another human being – a lover, a friend, or even a stranger we’re simply conversing with – and we actually open ourselves in an undefended way to the other person, we’re doing something that human beings rarely do. We tend to be quite protective, holding ourselves behind some wall of fear, usually a fear of the very thing that we crave – closeness, intimacy, and union.”

“Intimacy with reality is one thing. Actually, intimacy with reality is relatively easy, once you get the hang of it. Once you get the hang of being with yourself, being with your own unknowingness, you realize it’s not really difficult, after all. It’s a process of relaxation, not a process of struggle. But to be very open and intimate with another human being, that’s not so easy, at least initially. To do so requires a depth of insight and a deep willingness to open to fear – to be willing to see those parts of you that don’t want to open. Further, we must come face to face with the whole world of emotion – emotional protection and emotional availability. Through relationship, we can start to see how we often go into a mode of self-protection or recoil, or into various degrees of fear. While much of this resistance is fueled by thought, this whole area of intimacy and availability is something that also takes place on a deeply emotional level. To be open-minded, to be no-minded is one thing, but to be genuinely emotionally open is something deeper, and it touches the heart and core of us in a very profound way. It requires that we stay in beginner’s mind and, more importantly, in beginner’s heart.”

“The most important thing when it comes to emotional openness and vulnerability is a willingness to face our fears, because many of our fears, although they’re created in the mind and memory, are also deeply lodged into our emotional makeup.”

“You can’t run so far, so fast that you get even one inch away from yourself. There’s no possibility of running from yourself. There’s no hope that you will be able to escape yourself.”

“‘Getting close’[to fear] doesn’t mean snuggle up to it. Getting close simply means you stop running away. You don’t have to run toward it. You just have to stop running away. Then you’ll feel an intimacy. You may feel a resistance, but you can choose to stay right there.”

“But when you’re willing to be intimate with your resistance, closer than you imagine, then you will see that your fears are not your enemies; they are your allies.”

“But when you have the willingness to open your heart, to be intimate even with the things you don’t like, with the people and events that frighten you, with the state of the world that may intimidate you, then you will find a way in which the core of you has an avenue through which to express itself. You can express and manifest the very depth of yourself in the outside world, so that there is no longer a division between inside and outside [unity] and there’s no longer a boundary for our love.”

Never underestimate the profundity of being able to express the source in your life. It is the difference between a relief from suffering and a lived embodiment of Being. The step after Self realization is the awakening heart. Adya points to why many can stall a little there. Additionally, many of the treasures of the path reveal themselves when we’re ready to look into our shadows. Our emotions are the home of the so-called veils over truth. Past lives, raptures, celestial perception, new abilities, and shifting into the flow of life all come from a willingness to see what is here.

While it’s not so easy to look, really seeing is the end of the burden and the dawn of the light.
Davidya

For more on this subject, see the Key Posts link on the right under “Pages”. Look under Clearing and The Heart topics.

PS: Soothing music can be a beautiful way to open the heart. This is one of the reasons I’m a fan of Denise Hagan. Heard her on Sunday again.

5 Love Languages

Recently, I read a book that I found unexpectedly potent so I thought I’d share it with you. I’d heard the term “love language” but didn’t really have much context. Then, while visiting a friend’s cabin this summer, I ran into the book. It’s called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This edition was subtitled How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. You may have seen it as it’s been around since ’92 in various editions.

The basic idea is that there are several “languages” of love. Each of us understands and expects expressions of love in a certain primary form. If we don’t receive it that way, we won’t recognize it as such and our emotional “tank” will drain. We’ll cease feeling loved and respond accordingly. Same with out partner. Unfortunately, most of this happens unconsciously. But if we know our “love language”, we can ask our partner to support us in that way and we can support them through their language. Our tanks become filled and we will have lots to share.

We’re talking about the love that emerges after the “in love” infatuation phase passes and we move into a more mature relationship. How we are in instinctive courtship does not reflect how we’ll be in long-term relationship. The different stages come from different parts of ourselves.

Of course, what we’re describing here is emotional love. We’re talking about how to support our partners  emotions as best we can. In older posts, I’ve spoken about the differences between emotional love and eternal Love. I’ve also observed that we can’t really find love “out there” in another. If we’re going to Find Love, we’re only really going to find it inside ourselves. Only then will we have it to give in a real way.

That said, when in relationship we need to understand how our partner understands emotional love and we want to offer it accordingly. When we’re spiritually connected and rested enough, we’ll feel the love and energy flow directly between us. But in day-to-day life, we also need to refresh our partner every day emotionally in a way that connects, however we both are.

Our partners “language” is often not the same as our own. It may not even be a familiar or comfortable language for us to express.

Dr. Chapman describes 5 Love Languages:
1 – Words of Affirmation
2 – Quality Time
3 – Receiving Gifts
4 – Acts of Service
5 – Physical Touch (not to be confused with sex drive)

Each language has various “dialects” or forms a person may favour. He explored each language with a number of examples. The trick is in finding the primary language so we can consciously nourish  emotionally. For example, most of us will enjoy receiving gifts, even if they aren’t our primary language. But if we lack our primary language, eventually our “tank” empties. Gifts will then have no meaning. But if gifts are our primary language, they may have more importance to us than our partner recognizes.

I was surprised at this process. At first I thought mine was obvious. Then I realized it was an adopted one from my upbringing. Something that worked for me for giving in the past. My actual language I had resistance to and had once rejected. This is why the process was so potent for me. But I had to be open to how I was feeling during the process. Sticking to a story would have failed me.

It also became much clearer how a past relationship had ended. I was not able to identify and she didn’t know how to express what she needed. The language I did express actually conflicted with what she wanted.

Understanding what you need to feel emotionally supported in a relationship is a big deal. Only by being conscious of it will you be able to ask for it. Otherwise, your relationship is running on default behaviours that can drain you emotionally and end the relationship. It’s normal for someone to change and accidentally stop meeting your needs if they’re not apparent.

He made some other important points. We may have to relearn how to notice and express our feelings, otherwise we’re just reacting. He also reminds us that love is a choice. We cannot demand it but we can request it in the form we favour. He observed that for men, sex is a biological need whereas for women, desire is rooted in the emotions. Unless there’s an emotional connection, women can feel like sex-objects supplying a need. Thus sexual problems in a relationship are usually emotionally based.

Because many of us have experienced its lack, sometimes it’s easier to find our language in our deepest hurts. For example, criticism hits more deeply if our language is Words. Inversely, negative behaviour like nagging can be an expression of what we’re asking for. We may also demonstrate what we want by what we give. It can be very frustrating when everyone is working hard at giving but nothing meets anyones needs. The book goes through a number of ways to find and understand your and your mates primary emotional language. (see below)

And of course, our children, our co-workers, and our friends will also have an emotional language. In fact, I noticed how we’ll see it anywhere we’re making major decisions; anywhere our emotions are at play. He further explains how love supports our emotional sense of security, self-worth, and significance. Being conscious of something this fundamental is thus quite important to our well-being.

You probably won’t find everything in the book a happy read. You’ll see reflections of your own mistakes and weaknesses there. But also a means to keep both your mate and yourself happy in relationship, if you choose to.

The book is now available in various editions, including children’s, mens, singles, and so forth.

After writing this article, I discovered Dr. Chapman’s website. Funny to consider the first book came out before the web. The site includes an assessment tool; a little quiz to find your own “language”. It’s the kind of quiz where you need to be emotionally honest in your answers. If you give them your email address, they’ll send you the assessment. If you Skip that, you get the results on the web site anyway.

Further, the web site also mentions the 5 Languages of Apology. If you have trouble getting past mistakes with your partner, that may be illuminating.

Love is the way. What is the path?
Davidya

Our Limitations and Obstacles

Ganesh is right: there are no barriers. Any limitation we see is a mistake in perception. This mistake may be due to resistance to what is. We thus don’t see clearly and see barriers were there are none. Just in holding a “bad” feeling/ friction/ resistance about a circumstance or person reinforces this. The mistake can also be due to incomplete perception. Our vision is not good or clear enough to see rightly and thus we again create obstacles where there are none.

Clearly, these are basically the same thing. And those barriers we’re creating are just more resistance; more obstacles. Obstacles feed on themselves. By not liking what we see, we resist and essentially make it worse. We amplify the issues into monsters. We still have Boogey men under the bed. Contrast this to Santa Claus, for example. Which brings happiness?

In India, they tell the story of the Snake and String. You walk into a dark room and see a snake on the floor. You startle and experience fear. But when you turn on the light, you discover it was just a piece of string. Was there ever a snake or was it just a mistaken perception?

It can be quite a surprise when we see through the barriers we may engage, especially around things that are important to us. Relationships can be a good example. Has the person we fell in love with changed much when we fall out of love with them? Or is the change mostly in our perception of them?

Relationships can also be a great foil for overcoming obstacles as another person may see the situation differently and thus give us some insight. Light the darkened room, as it where. Resistance (karma) is notorious for giving us blind spots. But keep in mind that some of those blind spots are shared perceptions. Your partner or even the whole community may see the same way. One example here would be the amount of waste we produce that degrades our quality of life.

Now, certainly each of us is born with certain talents and a unique purpose they are aligned with. And we have what Buckminster Fuller called “special case” perception – we’re designed to be focused and experience one thing at a time. The key is putting that channel of focus into the larger context. And making the channel as clear as possible.

This way, we enjoy life much more, fulfill the purpose of our being, and are not obliged to come back over and over again until we get it right. 
Davidya