Occupy Love

This evening, I saw Velcrow Ripper’s film Occupy Love. It’s the third in the series, after Scared Sacred and Fierce Light. It was held as a free showing in a local church, a rare showing in his home town. (the previous 2 had theatre runs) It was also crowd funded.

“Occupy Love explores the growing realization that the dominant system of power is failing to provide us with health, happiness or meaning. The old paradigm that concentrates wealth, founded on the greed of the few, is causing economic and ecological collapse. The resulting crisis has become the catalyst for a profound awakening: millions of people are deciding that enough is enough – the time has come to create a new world, a world that works for all life.”

He asks “How can the crisis we’re facing become a love story?” The film explores the Alberta oil sands project, the Occupy movement where he spends time during the Wall St. protest, and several other events. He speaks with a number of participants and experts on social change. It shows the Occupy Movement from a different reference point than was common in the media. For example, they used horizontal organization which was foreign to those used to hierarchy. And love was a major theme. Did you know that?

The film speaks of solutions revolving around raising consciousness, changing paradigms, and love. In discussions afterwards, it was clear some attendees viewed these as abstractions rather than practical solutions. That was a good reminder. And we discussed how things have evolved since Occupy, such as with Idle No More. Non-violent or Compassionate Communication was also observed to be growing.

“We live in a time of record-breaking crisis, but it’s also a time of record-breaking vision.” Not “the 99%”, 100%.

What’s Your Story?

Over time, as we have experiences of the world and learn from others, we pick up stories or beliefs about the world. Our stories are self-reinforcing. We filter out sensory information that doesn’t correspond. This is right in the brain mechanism – current input is compared to memory before it even becomes conscious. So new experiences tend to continue to reinforce the old and they tend to get stronger with age. This is perfectly normal and mostly sub-conscious. It is how we function in the world and become better drivers, workers, and lovers.

Without our stories, we would be seriously handicapped. In fact, we would not be able to make sense of our sensory experiences. They would be a jumble of data, much as a newborn sees the world, or a toddler sees the alphabet.

The problem arises when we use stories to resist or deny what is here. Or when we sustain a belief that was once true but no longer serves us. This puts us out of sync with the world and leads directly to suffering.

When we pay attention to how we’re responding to life, then we can be more conscious about the stories or beliefs we’re running. Listen to the stories we tell others. Is it true? Really? Or are we telling a fish story that grows in time? And the more we tell it, the more we believe it because telling it helps make it more real. Ask yourself – how is this story serving you?

At first, you’ll mostly catch yourself after the fact, after the story is told. Then, you’ll notice during, perhaps because of the emotional tone you feel. You begin to recognize the process. Finally, you’ll recognize the story as it arises, by its emotional signature, and you can choose to drop it. Then, in resolving the emotion, the belief loses its substance.

Note this isn’t an intellectual exercise. We can’t fix a story with another story, although we might be able to obscure it. Many of us have layered stories, stories to account for or justify other stories. It is this tendency that makes the process of unwinding more complex, like peeling an onion.

Because our resisting beliefs create energy blockages and restrict flow, over time they cause us discomfort and eventually disease. As Rev. Mary Hennessey said “what you don’t heal will eat you from the inside.” They also put us out of sync with the world, leading to more bumps in our journey. Thus this is not an idle issue.
Davidya

The State of Illusion

Finally got a chance to see Austin Vickers film People vs The State of Illusion. As a former lawyer, he sets the story of the film in a trial and prison as metaphors for the prisons of belief we build for ourselves.

Like the film What the Bleep, it’s a series of experts talking about our personal reality, interspersed with the story of a man jailed for causing a fatal accident. The information comes fast, with quick edits from commentary to commentary. Also like What the Bleep, the (few) film critics generally hated it while the audience loves it. Anything that suggests we can have a direct effect on our reality is rejected by some outright.

We got Vickers himself for a Q&A afterwards. Judging by the questions, many people missed some of the main points in the deluge of info, but the subtlety of the message was also unfamiliar to many.

The key message is recognizing the difference between content and process. Most of the time, we ignore how we are relating to people and events, focusing on the what or content. What is being said, what is happening, and judging the what as good or bad. But if we’re unconscious of the process underlying the content, we’re unable to separate ourselves from it and are caught in a reactive mode. We feel like a victim.

If we take a step back and notice the process of the interaction, and under that, the process of how we’re internally responding, we begin to have choice in how we’re responding. I’ve spoken about this in a number of ways before. A deeper stepping back means the observer or witness mode. Then recognizing ourselves as the awareness in which the process is taking place. Then we see the meaning and judgements are what we add to it, our story, not what is actually taking place.

Unlike the film, he also framed it as learning to listen. What are we being called to do? This is aligning with the universe, God or whatever you’d like to call it.

The various speakers illustrated how we see the world says more about us than the world. Two you may have met in What the Bleep. Two others were a part of Princeton’s PEAR (“Scientific Study of Consciousness-Related Physical Phenomena”) project.

He noted (and the story illustrated) that if we see our behaviour as negative, it won’t change. We’re focused on the problem. Whereas if we ask what value the negative behaviour has for us (eg: drinking to mute feelings), we can see it as it is and can change. If we believe ourselves to be broken, we will remain so. Healing is much easier when we see ourselves as whole rather than broken.

Vikers observed that the clothes we’re wearing all started as an idea. And the chair we were sitting in, and the building, the city, the province, the country – all ideas. He said the Law of Attraction (The Secret) did not work from simple intention alone but rather from belief. Watching our process reveals what the underlying beliefs are. Expectations also point to beliefs.

On several questions, Vickers turned the question back on the questioner as they were not recognizing their own process [story] and resulting assumptions. Like using “we” to assume everyone thinks like me. It’s so ingrained that we may not even realize we’re doing it, assuming our stories about the world to be true. And because we identify with our beliefs, we associate them with ourselves. When they’re questioned, this can trigger ego defenses. We take it personally and are emotionally reactive. If we notice we’re reacting, it’s a good sign there’s something to notice and resolve. We can follow the feeling back to its assumption.

It’s the kind of film you may want to see more than once to digest. There’s a lot of information, some of which is framed uniquely. And it doesn’t summarize main points. The DVD evidently has another hour of footage from the source interviews too.
Davidya

Householder and Monk

We’ve been slowly rising out of a dark age spiritually. For some time, real spiritual progress was best achieved by withdrawing from the heaviness of the world. Thus, for hundreds of years, the most illustrious examples of enlightenment have often been monks and nuns. Many traditions have come to teach the renunciate path as the only way to enlightenment.

While this has been relatively true for a time, it is no longer true. As world consciousness rises, dharma is restored and householders can once again make decent progress. Some are becoming remarkable shining lights. Older history shows many past examples as well. The majority of ancient texts like the Rk Veda were written by householders.

A householder is one who is out in the world, with work, family, and so forth. A renunciate or recluse is one who withdraws to an ashram, monastery or cave. The vast majority of people are the first.

The renunciate path you can recognize by its Neti Neti (not this, not this) approach. It is a disconnecting from all expression, seeking only the depths of silent being. The reality of the person is denied. Some promote this as the only truth. But there is a different approach for the householder.

For them, it is in some ways the opposite. And this, and this. A householder is obliged to very much engage their person as an aspect of their expression. They add the full range of creation to their daily life.

In the back of the book Science of Being, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi describes the “Paths to God Realization.” In it, he specifies that the Intellectual path of discrimination is the path of the renunciate. Other paths, such as that of action & perception, devotion, and so forth are generally householder paths.

If a householder tries to follow a renunciate path, they will succeed at neither. Very simply because they will be in conflict. Their natural inclinations will fight their practice. But because of teaching influences, many householders drift in a kind of middle ground, with one foot in each.

They pursue long daily spiritual practice while trying to hold down work and a life. Or they focus on practices that are better for monks such as long retreats or a deep practice of inquiry.

I say this from experience. When I first read Maharishi’s reference above, I thought this meant I had to be a renunciate. I didn’t even know how.(laughs) When I began, long practice was more necessary for good progress. But millions of meditators have softened and smoothed the way.

We have to note that it’s not all black and white, as my error above indicated. Many people are inclined to a combination of paths. Royal or Raja Yoga itself, outlined in the Yoga Sutras, is a blend of Yogas.

Further, people’s personalities vary. More introverted people will have reclusive tendencies, even if they’re householders. And renunciates may benefit from some activity in the world. Many do good works, for example.

This also does not mean a householder should not take periods of retreat from the world for rest, healing and deepening. And some retired people may find retreat ideal. But only the renunciate should pursue this over all. The householder should not see withdrawing as an escape from worldly troubles or a means to enlightenment.

Also, this does not mean a householder will not go through the same stages as a renunciate. There will still be a detachment and witness phase. But for the householder, this is a stage whereas for the renunciate, it is the emphasis. And they will relate to the stages differently.

The apparently indistinct line between the 2 can confuse people and there are many promoting detachment as the goal. But what feels natural? There is so much richness beyond ego-surrender, it cannot be imagined. To deny that over confusion about our path is to miss the fullness of our being.
Davidya

What Supports Happiness?

Really the question should be: What gets in the way of Happiness? Happiness is innate, it is the subjective experience of the flow of life itself. If we are alive, simply being, we should be happy. It’s our natural state. You’ll notice it shows up naturally when we open, like in awe or in love.

But it does move in the depths of our being. So the sheaths (koshas) or veils between our “bliss body” and the other layers of our experience need to be fairly clear.

From the kosha perspective, the first body is Annamaya or the food body. What we put in our mouth, its volume and its suitability are the difference between a plugged up system and a clear one. The body has great intelligence on what it needs if we don’t confuse it or overload it. We may need to learn to listen though.

The second body is the Pranamaya, the vital body, also known as the astral or emotional. This is another body that is often plugged up, but with unresolved traumas that cloud our feelings. Same rules as above. The tendency to excess (food, drink, activity, etc) is one way people try to mask how they feel. Avoidance is another but these don’t exactly support happiness.

Manonmaya comes next, the lower mind. This is the home of thoughts and identification. Out of touch with our source, we become ego-identified and build a false self-construct. We believe ourselves to be in control to feel safe. This creates a false barrier to who we are and what is here. Of course, Self Realization is the resolver of this trap.

You may have noticed by now that the bodies have a relationship with the chakras, the above being first to third. This isn’t one to one but there is close ties.

Vijnanamaya is the next. This is the intuitive mind and discrimination. While we do have to awaken this value within and remove some crusts, it is not typically as polluted or stuck as the lower energies.

And thus we come to Anandamaya, the bliss body. The prior sheaths don’t have to be perfectly clear. Just unfogged enough for the bliss to shine through. And then we’ll find happiness is indeed our birthright. It is only for us to prepare the way.

Readers of this blog know that the best way to clear the decks is transcendence (samadhi). When we practice an effortless meditation, we regularly touch down into source. That gives the body deep rest, allows feelings to release, and breaks the boundaries of the mind. Of course, we’ll still have healing to do through conscious attention. But meditation will lighten the load considerably.
Davidya

The Rose List

I first became aware of Rose Rosetree through her interview on Buddha at the Gas Pump (Batgap). She’s all about subtle perception and healing and developing skills for same. Her tag-line is “Reading People Deeper and Healing with Energy Spirituality“

As I’m exploring models of awakening, I was fascinated by the idea that her “energetic literacy” allows a person to read if someone is enlightened or not. I know a small number of people who can see this and can help people past their last barriers. As this is a potent way to support others and opens the door to objective ways to study transpersonal development, the ability to learn it was intriguing. But evaluating such a unique vision is not a simple matter.

She sees the stages very similarly to how I do. But she determines the shift quite differently, through auras. By auras though, she don’t necessarily mean coloured light around the body but rather energetic signatures. Light is only one aspect of that.

She describes an enlightened person as having a “stabilized, habitual state of consciousness with certain characteristics that would be easy to identify for someone with Stage Three Energy Literacy.” She refers to “databanks” in each chakra and said they’d all be working well, are relatively balanced, and are free of “stuff” – her term for astral or emotional debris. The aura will also be permeated with the divine in some way and there will be a value of joy from that connection.

In other words, the personal crud is cleared and they are feeling the divine. A dry Self Realization would not make the cut.

She’s rather fearless about calling a spade a spade and tells it like she sees it. A few teachers she mentions as being enlightened but having messed up (including ones she’s studied with).  A few others she mentions as awake but not enlightened, even if they say otherwise. I’d agree there are some who have recognized the Self but not become it yet. I was such for many years. And there’s a difference between Self Realization and its mature state, sat chit ananda (absolute bliss consciousness).

At first, I wondered if she was reading sattva development rather than atman. But her comments suggest more. “Permeated with the divine in some way” suggests a deep perception. Earlier, I had the impression that there was a standard underlying energetic process in enlightenment. The chakras are awakened and we connect with source in the crown. Advanced stages unfold during a decent. Some teachers and kundalini traditions follow this model. However, others experience the stages during the rise and there are kundalini traditions that support that as well. And so on. She has apparently recognized this variety in the results.

The List
The result of her reads is her Enlightenment Life List, people she’s rated as Enlightened by the above criteria. Unexpectedly, it includes some famous people like Obama, the Clintons, and George Clooney. Shades of Men in Black! (laughs) From comments, it would seem that being in the larger public eye can raise someones consciousness. (a group consciousness effect?) But I’ve never explored that. In most cases I’ve seen, people who are enlightened know they are. I have met a few who were unsure. But once verified, their progress accelerated.

Rose indicates that when she started expanding the edge of energetic literacy into enlightenment, she didn’t meet the standard herself. Also, as she’s more heart driven, there is less conceptual precision. Plus it’s kind of an organic unfolding like this blog, rather than a presentation of a fully formed teaching. But as Rick Archer (Batgap) said to me, “she’s a sweetheart, making her much-needed contribution.“

Of course, making pronouncements about others is tricky territory. David Hawkins, of Power vs Force fame, is notorious for having rated many famous teachers, all of whom he rated as lower than himself, save Jesus. His ratings are considered infallible by himself & adherents. (he’s a no on Rose’s list) There are also some guru rating sites that are essentially trash-em lists.

Rose’s approach doesn’t fall into these traps but is instead a simple is or isn’t (yet). She says it’s about clarity rather than judgment. And offering examples for students to read. But a few issues still come to mind. For example, it’s not the person who is enlightened. It is the Self that wakes up to itself, through an apparent person. Making a list of names points to the person. But addressing that requires only a caveat. She talks about some of this here.

It’s useful to note here that she differentiates Householder and Renunciate enlightenment. A renunciate is Neti Neti (not this, not this) oriented whereas a householder still very much engages their person as an aspect of their expression. If this difference isn’t clear and a householder tries to play a middle ground, they succeed at neither. I’ll write more on this later.

Secondly, her process is by perception which can be fallible. The perception is also reading the effects of awakening not the awakening itself. She does however mention a few exceptions who appear to meet criteria but have issues that overshadow that development. She also notes it’s her read and opinion. No absolutes stated. That’s a good sign.

Clearly, it depends on the skill and experience of the reader. As I don’t have these skills, I’m keeping an open mind to get a better sense of what this is. I’ve bought her book Aura Reading Through All Your Senses but have just started it. She’s since recommended more recent books to me, like Read People Deeper. Thus, this article is more a work in progress than a review.

Here’s a good article on how her outlook evolved. She also talks about what she sees as the 10 most significant things about enlightenment there.

Meanwhile
Meanwhile, I commented on her blog a few times. One she quite liked and moved forward to a more recent post, then offered to read me for her list.

I found the exercise interesting as it looks to the question from a different angle than usual and confirms a couple of subjective impressions.

As prior posts mention, I’ve stayed pretty low key about who I am here, for various reasons. And awakening really isn’t about a person anyway. So it was a consideration if this was even appropriate. But now I sit at #180 on her list. (laughs)

I’ll do some more reading & exploring before I have better handle on the techniques she teaches. She certainly has a unique vision and some excellent insights. If her processes are as effective as she suggests, they could be quite useful in a number of ways.

Meanwhile, we’ve exchanged blogroll links. 
Davidya

Emotions and Energy

When I read about Non-Violent Communication (NVC) in the past, I saw it as a way to help resolve conflict between groups. I hadn’t seen it as a healing tool, especially not for self-talk. But it’s actually excellent for getting clear in communication in general, including with yourself. What are the facts and feelings, what is the judgement and blame? And how can we meet needs and come to satisfaction? (I review the steps here)

Another key point is that if you try to “figure out” what will make you happy with logic (left brain), you’ll likely miss the target. This is because our emotional needs are emotionally driven. We have to use feelings to identify the unmet needs. You CAN get satisfaction, in spite of what Mick Jagger sang.  

Recently, I took an NVC-based workshop. It included some of the science behind our emotional state. For example, the Vagus nerve running in front of the spinal column has 3 channels.

The Dorsal, closest to the spine, drives our Freeze response. It mutes our response time and brings emotional states like shame, sadness, overwhelm, and confusion. We also go there when we’re badly injured. External symptoms include loss of muscle tone in the upper back and difficulty meeting people’s eyes (it’s not just psychological). Broadly, we tend to feel numb and disconnected from the body.

The second channel is our Fight/Flight alarm channel. That can express as anger, frustration, and so forth. Blood rushes to the limbs and away from the prefrontal cortex (higher mind) and digestive system. We become faster but stupider. Chronically, this activation we experience as anxiety.

You can divide the “Feelings when your needs are not satisfied” from the Feelings & Needs Inventories (pdf) into these 2 channels.

The third or Vental channel is operating when we feel safety and are socially engaged. Our brain hemispheres are more balanced [and nostril breathing] and we’re face focused. Much easier to meet needs in this mode.

If you’re familiar with the 3 gunas, these easily align. Tamas (inertia), Rajas (fire), and Sattva (evenness). When this pattern shows up, you know you’re looking at fundamentals.

On a constant basis, our amygdala inside the brain checks if we’re safe and OK. If not, we shift into the first or second channels. The amygdala is what holds the emotional charge in memory. It requires a single exposure. It has no time stamp and thus creates an eternal ever-present past. And emotional charge. This is our implicit and largely unconscious memory.

Behind the amygdala is the Hypocampus. It retains explicit memory after multiple exposures that is factual & timestamped. It tracks them for 3 years until they migrate to the cortex as long-term memory.

Together, the 2 bring us both the facts and emotions associated with various memories. However, during trauma, the hypocampus goes off-line, leaving only the timeless charge. If we’re able to name the feeling state though, the memory becomes explicit & conscious. At first it can be a little muddled but it gets clear with practice and clearing the backlog.

We also explored the evolving understanding of the brain hemispheres. If we carry a lot of unresolved trauma, our right brain can become like a “jungle.” Thus, we favour the left and control, detail, and judgment or blame. It’s a way to resist pain and feel safer. If we become disassociated, the right hemisphere goes quiet.

From an energetic standpoint, we’re talking about the lower 3 chakras. Safety, emotions, and lower mind.

Parents who are stressed and action-driven are typically left-brain dominant. The left brain sees others as tools & objects. (objectification) They’ll see their child as a collection of tasks for them. Such parents will expect specific careers, good grades, status and accomplishment. The child will often feel unseen and unknown, not received. Many teenagers thus balk and rebel at apparently pointless expectations and unmet needs. If the parent is barely functional, we learn to stay small and disassociative in dorsal mode. The worst of course is when parents visit their traumas on their children.

It’s also useful to note that children don’t even have the left brain orientation engage until ~2 years old. It doesn’t fully develop until around 6 so parental feedback is taken in as fact, including any shaming control measures. We may learn it’s safest to be invisible by functioning from the dorsal. Self-shaming becomes automatic.

Other kids stay more in fight/flight and thus lash out at others, perhaps becoming the bully. They find it easier to be in hate than shame. Adults can be the same way.

With such examples, we have to relearn natural relating techniques. Hence the role of NVC. If we ask others for empathy when we’re not feeling alive and in the body, there is no one there to accept it. We’re energetically closed. We have trouble receiving and will find it easier to  give than receive. Often, we’re habitually trying to be invisible while asking to be seen so our needs don’t get met. We have to be awake and alive within to receive.

On the flip side, if we know we’re supported, it’s difficult to stay in shame or anger. Make sure that the people you hang out with can receive you, where self-expression is safe. You want 2-way relationships and you may need to learn to invite them. If you’re invisible (closed lower centres) you will be felt as unavailable by others.

When we’re relating and are not received (tuned out, subject change, talked over), how do we respond? Acceptance? Others may sometimes need a nudge. Do we repeat ourselves? Or do we ask for acknowledgement? If it still doesn’t work, there isn’t really a relationship taking place. It’s more like 2 toddlers who play near each other but have not learned to relate yet. They are together but separate.

The Energy Side
The techniques the workshop used to help heal skirted the edge of going into the mud of emotions. I would consider this the hard way. NVC is very useful for identifying emotional states. We can use them as signals for things to resolve. We want to allow feelings to arise and complete (resolve the charge). But we don’t want to wade into them – it’s a subtle but huge difference. Wading into the feelings amplifies them and can make them more real. For our shadow, it’s wading into the mud.

Emotions are the subjective experience of energy states. In energy healing you resolve the underlying energy blockage or resistance and thus resolve the resulting emotional effects (not to mention the karma). Thus energy healing is deeper and more effective than the drama.

When you learn energy healing, the first thing you learn is how to ground and not take on the energy you’re trying to resolve. Becoming more energy-aware allows us to resolve the root dynamics. While we still may experience a wave of emotion, we don’t have to wade into the trauma, just let it go. Watch it go by.

This process is also much simpler. For example, for a particularly big one, the teacher ended up engaging over a dozen other people as support plus engaging some role-playing. I can see the way this allowed the individual to feel safe and release, but the complexity and skill required to do such healing is much higher.

The exercises also made reference to being in the “resonant witness.” There was no inquiry or other techniques to make this more conscious and not everyone is aware enough of their own awareness for this to be valid. But being in an observer state makes watching the emotions go by much easier.

It’s also worth noting that if we learn to work with our internal energy environment, we can meet the majority of our emotional needs internally. They are simple energy states that can be adjusted with attention. I talked about this back on Feeling is Believing.

There is perhaps a ways to go from being deep in shame to being energy-aware and in a witness state. But having the support of others and some simple techniques can really help.

For a good introduction to energy healing, I’d suggest the Dreamhealer books, especially #2. His workshops are an excellent practical experience but are mostly in Canada.

From there, you can learn to feel and read energy and to ground and protect yourself. There are quite a few modalities around. Many such healers have studied several and integrated various features. But the key is simplicity. Energy is simple. It’s moving or not, it’s smooth, harsh, or sluggish (the gunas again), and so forth.

Most importantly, we can learn to heal ourselves.
Davidya

Non-Violent Communication

Much of our emotional pain and struggles in life are due to unmet needs. These have developed through resistance and denial of what is and being trained that some emotions are unacceptable. This is most obvious in relationship troubles where we’re expecting our partner to meet those needs. However, this is often an unconscious process – we don’t even know what those needs actually are, except maybe generally. How can we then ask for them properly? Nor do we properly distinguish between needs (non-negotiable) and wants (flexible). We end up projecting blame and judgement on others. Conflict and disappointment are the inevitable result. And a desire for control.

This judgement and positioning mode is so common in our culture that even professional helpers don’t recognize it. In fact, it’s built into our language. For example, depression has become classed as a mental illness when in most cases it is the simple consequence of missing self-skills. We don’t even know that, just as physical pain is a signal something is off, so too “negative” emotions are a sign of energetic discord and unmet needs. Needs that can be directly addressed if recognized. Rosenberg on the subject. (Youtube)

Poor skills have made it acceptable to shame others and lay on guilt trips and make having feeling bad. Many don’t even think happiness is safe. But we all feel so it’s better to develop some decent emotional skills. Otherwise we’re walking bags of crud, ready to explode and radiating disturbance in our body and the community.

With the right skills and self-empathy, we can actually meet many of those needs ourselves internally. But others behaviour still has an impact on our experience of life so good tools to resolve conflict and communicate better can be potent.

I’ll shortly be taking an empathy workshop based on the principles of non-violent communication (NVC). I thought it worth reviewing the main points prior, which lead to this.

NVC is about shifting from a divisive will-based stand to communicating with a feelings-based empathy model. It’s also called compassionate communication. In any communication, you listen empathetically and express honestly. This happens in a simple 4 stage process, paraphrased.

1) Observations – Rather than evaluating and judging which we’re often cultured to do, we simply state factually the behaviours and conditions that are impacting us. This steps out of blame, but the listener has to recognize this or they’ll immediately be defensive.

2) Feeling – we name the feelings that result. Because of the above, I feel ______.
You need the mind to name the feeling but not its judgment. You want to identify internal feeling states. There is no right or wrong here. Being able to name the emotion without moral judgment enables a connection of mutual respect and cooperation rather than blame and defence.

3) Needs – what do we need to resolve the feelings? What needs are not being met? These unmet needs are what is triggering unpleasant emotions. NVC has a short list of emotions and needs that serve as a handy reference. Needs are pretty universal. They are not tied to a specific person or individual. Pleasant emotions like happiness and peace arise when our needs are met.

4) Requests – State what we want (not don’t want), as a request. Be clear and specific. This is not a demand which brings emotional pressures, like guilt. As a request, the other person must be able to say no or propose an alternative. You take responsibility for getting your own needs met, and you let them take responsibility for theirs. You want voluntary consent or it’s just another conflict.

With enough self-empathy, you can ask in spirit. And you can use internal techniques I talked about here.

For some, this may seem pointless or primitive, especially if you’re a man. But it’s a remarkable re-framing if we’re willing to explore. Get out of the head a little and find out whats happening in the feeling space. If it’s confused or numb, there’s some resolving to do.

You can use this in relationship and within yourself. When you follow the named feeling back to the unmet need, it may surprise you. Whats been bugging you (the unmet need) may not be what you thought it was at all. It’s always about you.

These feelings and needs are not complex. The primary ones NVC lists are around a dozen each.

[Update: Feelings & Needs Inventories (pdf, 833k)]

A lot of communication is just saying Please and Thank You: Please meet my need and Thank You for that. But it so often is masked in stories and drama and thus brings mixed results for everyone.

With a little practice – and it will need practice as the old habits can be persistent – it can change our relationships and satisfaction significantly. Here’s a wiki on how to practice it.

And here’s a clip on Empathy

As the saying goes, peace begins within.
Davidya

Life Purpose in 5 Minutes

Here’s an interesting TEDx talk by Adam Leipzig on “How to Know Your Life Purpose in 5 Minutes.“

He skims over the profundity of some things like Know Thyself, which can make further answers more obvious. But he makes some interesting points. Here’s a few for reference:

151 thousand books on Amazon on life purpose. But if you’re just examining, you’re not living.

5 Steps:
1 – Who you Are  (name)
2 – What you do (love to do – single words)
focus down: what is the one thing you feel supremely qualified to teach others.
3 – Who you do it for
4 – What do they want or need? (one or 2 words)
5 – How do they change as a result?

Put it all together into a kind of sentence. You’ve just done something people who have gone to Yale couldn’t figure out in 25 years.

Note that 2 of the questions are about me and the other 3 are about the people I serve. Focus on those you serve. If you make others happy, you will be taken care of.

When someone asks what you do – use the last answer – how you change people.
Good one 
Davidya

Feeling is Believing

Recently, I did another workshop on working with your energy centres with Nancy Shipley Rubin. It was part 2 of the “solution field” process we learned last fall.

While the workshop covered all chakras, I’ll focus on the 2nd here. It plays a key role in our experience of life and our ability to create what we’re seeking. The second is the main energy centre for our emotional sheath, also called the astral or vital body. It’s also where we tend to carry the most baggage. The related third drives the lower mind and will, that which names and judges. It is also the lower protector or guardian.

Unmet Needs
Much of our disappointment in life is from unmet emotional needs. Out of touch with ourselves, we unconsciously project our needs into the world and seek them externally. Expecting others to somehow mind-read what we don’t recognize in ourselves, the world fails us repeatedly.

When someone else is projecting on us, it takes a lot of strength not to get caught in it. Ironically, if we close our energy in protection (common for most of us), our energy will amplify their projections, reflecting it back. This of course amplifies conflict and discord too. To just be able to see it as their projection of unmet needs profoundly changes relationships. (not that I’m well-practiced at that)

Many relationships fail because of unconscious needs that cease being fed by the other person due to changing circumstances and growth.

Yet if we can learn the simple ways to resolve internal conflict and repressed feelings, we can clear the way to meet our emotional needs internally. For example, we can’t project when we’re grounded and present. And wouldn’t you like to be happy for no reason? Happiness is part of our nature and will arise if we cleanse the emotions.

This is not to say we shouldn’t love and express feelings, only that this is a giving and sharing rather than a co-dependency. When we don’t depend on another for basic emotional needs, our inner life settles markedly. But this requires skills, like learning to tell the difference between our old baggage (unmet or unresolved) and what we’re feeling now (new).

What we feel, we believe
Like seeing is believing, what we experience directly we tend to believe. However, events can trigger emotional memories that feel real but may no longer be true. Like that we’re bad or unworthy. They have a kind of “magnetic” quality, due to embedded desires. They are the story of what was not met in the past. And they continue to filter our perception of ourselves, others and the world. In some ways, beliefs are named emotions with ideas attached.

This causes us to live driven from the past and from avoidance rather than from what is here in front of us. It also tends to create life dominated by what is unmet (used to want) rather than what we want now. Emotional literacy helps us become aware of our internal dynamics and differentiate between a triggered memory, resistance, and what is actually here now.

Inversely, if we’ve repressed our feelings and don’t feel the dynamics, we’ll tend to try and force things, striving and pushing against what is. This is more common for men. ‘Real boys don’t cry.’ And if you can’t relate to this, numbness is an emotion too, a good sign of long-term overwhelm.

Where do we feel it coming from? What is the “tone” of the feeling? Does it feel forced or resistant? Is it a natural response to circumstance we can let flow through us? If it’s not clear, a reality check may be helpful. Talk it out with someone not involved for perspective. It can take time to resolve an emotion fog. But it’s more than worth it.

One belief we do want to have is that feeling good is safe. Many such beliefs are quite healthy. But many messages we got out of anger or to correct childhood behaviour may no longer serve us.

Conflicting Beliefs
We all experience areas of life that move well and other areas that are bumpier. These bumpy spots indicate we have unresolved emotional dynamics (aka karma) that create a conflict between our higher and lower selves. Nancy called this a “warble.” Where our higher self is open to what is unfolding but our lower self is hesitant and blocking that flow. In a way, we hold both the problem and the solution in a duality rather than letting the solution through. Old past belief-experiences get in the way of solution. But curiously, even familiar suffering can feel safer than the change of opening to happiness. With the familiar, we feel safe and in control even if we feel bad. Or nothing.

Feelings, even fear, are not the enemy. They are life’s richness. Fear and anger are often a form of protection. They are not a problem in themselves. It is the attempt to resist, suppress and control emotions and not let them resolve that makes them an issue. This doesn’t mean dwell in the muck but rather allow them to complete and leave. When we face a large trauma or change, it is natural for it to take time to heal. But we need to give it that time and not repress.

Because we often experience others as emotionally fickle and unable to meet our needs, we may come to distrust love. I’ve met many in my age group who have become ambivalent. But love isn’t a second chakra emotion. It’s the divine in focus and flow. Love is simple and unattached. What we love will grow in our hearts. Love based on needs is not really love. This is why we can love someone but not like them.

When the higher and lower are in sync, we experience the smooth flow of the formless into form. What we know the feel of, we can create. Do you know what hope actually feels like? Safety? Feeling is the energy before form and what sustains our world. What do you feel?

These points were only a small part of the other chakras we also discussed and experienced. But they are key things to get to know in ourselves. Especially for a guy. Real guys do cry – especially out of happiness.
Davidya