Awakening Imperfection

I’ve noted a common idea in spiritual circles that one must be pure and perfect to have an awakening. I know a few people who have spent a part of their life in deep meditation, in pure secluded spots, eating pure food. These people experienced smooth transitions, like no BBQ in the Unity approach. Just simple, clear steps of waking.

But for most of us, we live in the world, may not always eat ideally, and are sometimes confronted with profound challenges. We may see these as setbacks to our progress though they may actually be designed to build new strengths. In this context, we may come to see awakening as an impossible challenge. I’ve noticed quite a few long term seekers have effectively given up on awakening in this life. Some I know are trying to counteract this trend, for example by interviewing the awake to demonstrate its normality.

Waking doesn’t require great purity or perfection. It just needs some. Enough to see through the veils. Enough to wake up to who we are. The fact that we’ve had clear experiences of our transcendental Being shows us it’s entirely possible.

In an ideal world, we’d take care of our baggage beforehand, ensuring as smooth and clear a process as possible. But there is also something to be said for the clarity and witness of awakening. Much easier to see the story in action and thus release those aspects that don’t really support us.

What needs to be seen will be seen when it needs to be. And when we get to enough, then we’ll see who we are.

That’s been happening in increasing numbers over the last 5 years.
We live in remarkable times.
Davidya

Welcoming the Story of Pain

I’ve spoken here before about how “what we resist persists“. When we resist seeing or completing an experience, the tail ends cast a shadow over our life. Now sometimes, it’s natural to want to delay processing a very difficult experience. But if we don’t come back to it later, we’ll carry it for the rest of our lives. The solution is to allow those experiences to arise in our attention for resolution. To simply allow the experience to complete or be seen. In Pamela’s Story, I quote Pamela Wilson speaking to this.

This doesn’t mean wading into the mud or reliving the original trauma. It’s just about allowing what is resisted or incomplete to be seen. Often, it will just be a moment of recognition of being seen. Sometimes, it will come over us like a wave of feeling and be gone. But some of our resistance can be held very deeply. We fear the experience and suppress it. That fear can be even greater than what we fear. It’s amazing how much of our energy we can consume just keeping a lid on it. Inversely, how much more energy we have when some of the load is lifted.

In a recent Gangaji newsletter, Barbara Denempont, the Executive Director of her foundation, described an experience on a recent retreat. She wanted to emphasize how there is always the opportunity for a fresh hearing if we are willing to listen.

“Gangaji began the Hidden Treasure retreat with a series of processes that took each one of us through the graveyard of our stories. (I was reminded a bit of the ghost of Christmas past.) The opportunity was to identify any story I was telling, and see through it to the silent core of my being.

What was remarkable was to recognize a dusty old story I was telling—one I didn’t know I was still subtly telling.  It was like a background hum I stopped hearing long ago. Then suddenly, without any forewarning, it came into clear focus and it wasn’t at all pleasant.

“I am hideous,” I noxiously told myself. That was all. No other characters or plotlines. Just, “I am hideous.” (Admittedly, a very short story:)) I honestly didn’t know that this “elephant man” story could still play in my mind, but it had me by the proverbial throat that evening, filling my body with terror and shame.

After thrashing about in my bed for a while, at 3:00 in the morning I put on some warmer clothes and went outside to place my attention on literal space, to the stars above. On the ground were fireflies mirroring the stars. It was undeniably lovely and softening.

In that moment, I asked myself, “Is there space for hideousness?” “Is there space for shame and terror?”
Yes. Yes, there is.
There is room for it all.
End of story.

In that instant, my attention turned away from a random story I was telling to the spaciousness of my being. I was freshly at home, where I always am! Just like the stars and the fireflies. In knowing who I am in truth, there is nothing to fear. No emotion, no thought, no loss can trample the truth of my being. The inherent, ever present peace of the open heart is the true sanctuary. Not that I can avoid pain as a human being, but when it comes, I can be true to the recognition—the heart gracefully, peacefully holds it all in love. For me that is living freely, living consciously.”

It is totally amazing what allowing attention can heal.

Here’s an 8 min audio clip on the subject by Gangaji.

Here’s a little poetry by Ameeta Kaul on the same subject.

And a similar discussion around Debbie Ford’s The Shadow Effect

Davidya

Models of Awakening – Part 2

< Part 1
On God Consciousness: (the next stage in Vedic tradition)
What you have to consider is the cultural differences. Indian culture is much more devotional. In devotees I’ve known, they’re naturally developing the heart and refinement. Thus, when they come to the “GC” stage they’re more likely to have a fuller experience sooner. In the west however, the mind and intellect are cultured more. Thus, the intellect shift required for Unity is easier and tends to happen sooner while the GC aspects take longer. I would suggest they’re still there but may take time to flower if they’re not cultured. This may also be related to the time we’re in.

Perceptual stuff is generally associated with refined sensory values and the “3rd eye”. In some Vedic traditions, the 6th chakra (eye) opens around the Self realization stage, just prior to full CC. (crown) But I believe this is more associated with development of Sattva (purity) rather than of Atman (Self). Thus one can be very awake but lacking celestial or having celestial and not be awake. But of course, they’re interrelated.

On Unity:
The release of the core fear or sense of identity that separates us from the world/whole may be experienced as the end of the fear of death. But that’s somewhat individual. I know some who lost the fear of death earlier with experiences of past lives, for example. What ends is a long fear created by the experience of loss of wholeness. How we experience that fear ending varies, much as with awakening.

What follows that is what the Vedic tradition describes as an intellectual “aha” moment, a Mahavakya like I am That. With the barrier gone, we can recognize and “rejoin” wholeness as one.

In the Rk Veda, 7th mandala, Vasishtha emphasizes the importance of desiring unity. Without knowing of it and it’s qualities, we may be left in kindergarten with the end of the seeker above. Many books and interviews out there highlight people who had that first shift and think this is it. Not knowing of more, they loose the opportunity before them.

Some even make the mistake of confusing the inner wholeness with Advaita (non-dual) and Vedanta. The key though is that while they see the world as illusion, it is still separate. This is not unity.

A General Model:
What I’ve seen in practice typically is:
- some sort of Self realization – realizing I am That, witnessing, etc.
- what I consider the actual CC shift, when one shifts to being That. (the first is a recognition, the second is the shift. Some may do this together, others separately)
- more advanced waking of the heart, perhaps the experience of the decent of the divine to the heart (Adyashanti’s “head, heart, gut” model). It’s approach can be marked by perception of the celestial or creation becoming. For some, the flowering of God Consciousness happens now. For many westerners, later.
But some value of this opens up, then
- the decent reaches the “gut” and the core fear is seen and released. This ends the division between “inside” and “outside”. Loch Kelly calls this the BBQ. As with the first shift, for some a purge, for others a quiet shift.
- the mahavakya stage and realization of oneness or unity.
- a gradual expansion of oneness to all areas of life.
- the rest of the decent to the root and out into the world.
- somewhere along here, God realization. This normally happens after Unity per the texts.
- ongoing refinement, deepening and expansion.

I’ve detailed this quite a bit more and am testing it against others process: the approach, the shift, the integration, and so forth.  It’s best if we not think of any such model in too linear a way. While there tends to be those 3 main “steps”, development is happening concurrently for all stages, even well before waking. There is also a pattern of experience and become.

In summary, there is a standard underlying process, but there is a very wide range of ways in which it might be experienced.
Davidya

< Part 1

Models of Awakening – Part 1

You may have noticed that different teachers will teach THEIR truth. It will be a blend of their own experiences and what they were taught. Any given teaching may or may not be a good description of how you experience the unfolding. This is beyond how well the language resonates with you.

It’s useful to recognize that all concepts about higher states of consciousness are just that, concepts. They have nothing much to do with its reality because much of the development is beyond mind. In the same way, different teachers will have different models of the steps of progress or they’ll avoid models all together. (although even a teaching of no models is a model)

Each of us has a unique way of experiencing the unfolding. We may find it will match one model but not another. Or that we’ll drift on and off the model. This isn’t because this or that model is necessarily wrong – only that it doesn’t match the way we’re approaching wholeness. Models are a description of qualities and effects which vary widely from person to person.

Due to my own experience, my focus has been locating the underlying process and then mapping the various models to that. Understanding the basis puts everything in context and brings us a little closer to a model that will support everyone’s journey. This also allows divergent traditions to add something to the greater whole of understanding.

In recent discussions on other forums, I made a few points on this that readers here may enjoy. The following content has been edited for context.

It’s interesting how different teachers discuss the layers or stages. Some define them, some like Adyashanti mention them in more general terms (like “head, heart & gut”), and some see such definitions as a barrier.

Gangaji is in the later camp, emphasizing the importance of innocence. But notably, even that is an idea. I agree that concepts about awakening can be a barrier to being. In fact, our ideas about enlightenment can often be the last barrier to being it. But I’ve also seen that without an overview of the path, we can find much more struggle and doubt. Mind can surrender more easily if it is OK with where it’s going.

Further, I think this process will gain much more acceptance in the west if there is scientific research on the process, extending existing understanding of human potential. We’d also see far less pathologizing of spiritual awakening. This cannot be done without a clearly defined process. I would suggest there is a common underlying process occurring that is experienced a variety of different ways.

Each teacher will describe what they have seen but this may not support a student who experiences something else. Some even tell you to ignore experiences altogether. That can be difficult if experiences are turning your sense of reality on it’s head.

I’ve noted 5 “styles” of experiencing the initial primary shift in Being. For example, some people experience a sense of ego death where others an expansion of ego to be cosmic. These seem opposite but are actually the same process.

On Ego
To understand this, lets go a little deeper. Ego I usually mean to be the mental concept of being a separate me. That’s driven by the core fear from the subconscious experience of being separate. But that’s really the early definition around identification. In Sanskrit, there is a term Ahamkara that is generally translated as ego. This is the individuating principle, that point of self awareness in the whole, what some might call soul. This does not end.

In observations of a number of dozen wakings, I’ve noticed the underlying process is a shift from identification with the point value value of attention (or ego) to identification with what might be called the Cosmic Self, the broader awareness of Being. Our concepts of what this will be like are ALWAYS wrong. As such, it can be a bit of a joke after the shift. Those who have already switched can often feel this change in another as another aspect of themselves has woken.

This is the beginning of true awakening. There is 2 ongoing movements – one deeper into Self as we experience and then become a series of ever larger aspects of That. And another as we recognize That more and more in the outward aspects of our experience. In our mind, feelings, body, the near environment, and the world.

How we experience that key shift depends on how we came to it. For example, someone with a long history of deep meditation may slide very gradually, gently shifting individual to cosmic. The shift can be so gentle, it may not be noticed. Or if noticed, not familiar enough to identify. It is only in retrospect they realize they’ve shifted.

(keep in mind: this is a natural process just as in stages of maturation)

Another with a similar history may have had a Self realization (I am the Self) and witnessing but some aspect is still identified with the ego. They’re kind of both. And then a moment of surrender deep enough and the actual shift takes place. (this is where transmission or a living example is very handy) This person may experience a sort of “ego death” as they shift distinctly from ego to fullness.

A third person may have little experience of transcendental being and have a sudden shift out of ego. Because the Cosmic Self is still vague and undefined in their experience, they’d describe an ego death into nothingness.

Another person might have a greater degree of wholeness so when they shift, the ego is no longer seen as separate from the cosmic. They experience expanding from a small into a cosmic I. Fullness is all that I am. Same thing happened but it’s experienced opposite ‘ego death into nothingness.’

Yet another is on a devotional or heart-driven path and describes a surrender to their God. Their shift is typically more emotional and sensory. This may mean the underlying process is harder to discern, especially to an intellectual. But many on this path have a more profound surrender and more rapid refinement. For example, Shankara’s devotee Trotikacharya woke before the intellectuals.

In each case, the same process is underway but the experience is unique. There are also secondary experiences that may accompany a shift but these should not be confused with the shift itself. For example, there can be a big emotional release (like massive happiness) or a brilliant flash of white light (Makara). There can also be an experience of more advanced stages.

As it gets clearer, in all cases if we choose to look, we discover ego is still there. We’re just not identified with it anymore. The mental construct around being separate is gone though, along with its resulting conceptual supports that fall away over time. But we still need a person to function in the world. We still have our foibles and still have to deal with our stuff. But that’s much MUCH easier when we’re not caught in it. Not to mention living on an unshakable ground of happiness and love.

(so don’t see enlightenment as a solution to your personal stuff)
Davidya
Part 2 >

Hakuna Matata

Recently, I wrote about the Fear of Success. Reading Adyashanti’s Falling into Grace, he talks about how the mind naturally judges things. We often immediately judge every circumstance, preventing us from seeing what is actually there. He gives the example of stepping outside and seeing that it’s raining. Rather than just noticing the moist fresh air, we start a story of how we hate rain, it’s a bother, and so forth. Essentially we’re arguing with what is, with life itself.

The trouble with arguing with life is that it makes it hard. It takes us away from happiness. And it creates difficulties that don’t actually exist. That’s the most astonishing part of suffering. Much of it is self-generated; chosen unintentionally.

Curiously it’s just a habit. A habit our culture encourages. Just watch the news or read the paper. If we feel uncertain, there is the natural tendency to try to explain, to have a story or explanation about it. The first part of the issue here is that the story often isn’t really true. The second part is that we tend to believe our stories without question, even if they arose as a reaction in our childhood or when we were stressed. Again, this is natural. If we couldn’t count on our understanding of the world, we’d have a hard time functioning. But if we don’t stop and look, we can end up at the mercy of our own self-created prison.

The trick is in finding something that is reliable, that will be there for us. And that’s not something we’ll find outside, in other people or in things. The only thing unchanging is who we are at the core.

To notice that core within, we need to ease up a little on the judging. Be a little more “open minded” as Adyashanti puts it. He observes that we just have to notice our experiences and we’ll see where we argue with life. Once it becomes conscious, we can begin to choose.

I also recommend an effortless meditation as this will bring us the experience of our core more quickly and help clear and settle the mind.

Being open to life without judgement doesn’t mean not having likes and dislikes. It also doesn’t mean passive acceptance. Boys in a schoolyard can tend to hit to try to get their way. As we grow older, we hopefully find better ways to stand up for ourselves. In the same way, fighting life is not the best way to live. Being OK just means not forcing it, not having our stories overshadow life and our happiness.

Real happiness comes from a very deep place. Thus, it is quite possible to be happy, even during a difficult or physically painful experience. Such happiness is not bound or conditional. It is Hakuna Matata, a phrase made famous by the film Lion King. It means No Worries.
Hakuna Matata!
Davidya

The Power of the Telling

Well, I have finally completed reading the Yog Vasistha. In the telling, the sage Vasishtha sits with Rama in the royal court and explains to him the nature of reality. All of the many present are enlightened. Due to the request of the sage Baradwaja, Brahma grants Valmiki’s telling of the story the same power.

As I note in the first article on the book (3 years ago!) the story is told by one sage to another about a royal sages conversation with Valmiki who in turn tells the story of the discourse itself. So it’s a story about a story about the story. And the story is told with the use of stories. 

To paraphrase a late page, an intelligent conscious man appears to be insentient when he sleeps; even so does the infinite consciousness appear to be insentient objects. The infinite consciousness later becomes sentient objects, just as the sleeping man begins to dream. This continues until liberation and the realization that the world is a long dream of the divine.

Sweet Dreams!
Davidya

The Fear of Success

Why do we fear success? Because it would change things? We might lose control? Because it might alienate our friends? Because we have conflicting messages about money? Or because we might be exposed, seen for what we truly are?

It’s surprising how many core concepts get planted in our minds at an early age. A big emotional upset and the mind makes a story about it. We conclude we’re not loved, not good enough, or will be abandoned. Maybe our parents even said something rash. In fact, those stories often arise again at the first opportunity from unresolved issues in past lives.

When we have a story about a feeling and believe it, we come to associate it with anything similar. We then fear or avoid any circumstance that might remind us of that old story. We feel safe to live lives of “quiet desperation.” A brief idea in childhood and we find it driving our aversions in relationships, work, and family life. We seek distractions, fudge bravado, or numb ourselves. In the process, we fall out of touch with our feelings and thus the means to enduring happiness.

Adyashanti mentions how we might feel like we’re pretending in some vague way, not realizing most of us feel that. Not knowing who we really are, the ego knows it’s faking it and we feel deficient.

The fix is coming back to feeling. Allowing whatever is there to be felt. At first, this can seem like jumping into a snake pit. We’ve come to fear even fear. But if we can find a way to be OK with what is, as it is, then we can let go of the story, the experience can resolve and the load lift. This doesn’t mean wade into the mud. We don’t have to relive the junk. It just means finding it OK. Not believing the story and letting go of the baggage.

In his new book “Falling into Grace“, Adyashanti speaks to this in the 5th Chapter.
“When we argue with life, we loose every single time – and suffering wins.”
“…anytime we contract from direct experience and spin a story, we have gone unconscious…whatevrr emotion that happened at that time will be locked into our system”
“You may have experienced some very real suffering, but when we add on top of that what we believe should or shouldn’t be, the mental position literally locks the painful emotion into our system.”

But if we’re willing to question our need to believe in the story, we can let the thought go. Once you let the thought go, the emotion ends as well. We may not forget the hurt, but we’re no longer saddled with the baggage. It becomes non-reactive.

It sounds much like Byron Katie and The Work. Questioning if the story is true. And The Fifth Agreement: “Don’t believe yourself, and don’t believe anyone else.” But it’s always interesting to hear another take. My own progress was greatly enhanced when I discovered how to allow and release old emotional baggage.

So far, I’m finding the book a lighter, more introductory summary of his teaching. (as the intro suggests) While he continues some of the same points, he also continues to state them uniquely. That’s something that makes him ever fresh. This book includes some biblical quotes, for example.

Looking forward to more of the book.
Davidya

The Profound Intelligence of Being

I’ve continued reading the Yog Vasistha (Vasishtha). Vasistha continues to talk about their being nothing but consciousness and that all creation is a causeless illusion. As I’ve mentioned before, I disagree with this emphasis on a causeless illusion, though he occasionally agrees with me as another perspective. Perhaps the emphasis is due to his talk being to Rama who is just awakening. In Self realization, the world does come to be seen as illusion.

I continue to find notable points though. In his emphasis on causeless creation being without intention, I went back and considered the mechanics more closely. From my perspective, everything expressed begins with intention as that is a mirror of fundamental reality. But what I realized was that “first” intention does not in itself contain all of the knowledge necessary to form the creation that arises.

It is simply an intention to express, to celebrate the recognition of one’s being. What structures the result is the profound intelligence in pure being. An analogy comes to mind. That urge to express is analogous to electricity. With a complete circuit, it simply flows. But the effects of the flow varies with the circuits it flows through. It may be a light bulb or a fridge or a computer. This is the value-added component or structure of intelligence. The intelligence that is embedded in the cosmic mind as a mesh of interconnections. Reminds me of the synaptic pathways of the brain.

One point of intelligence receiving an intention to express is enough to support an entire creation through all time plus the entirety of any and all souls therein.

We could say that awareness has no expectation of what the consequence of its expression will be. Only that it wishes to express. It switches on the nearest switch and whatever intelligence is there is lit up. That’s the creation that unfolds at that point. (by creation, I mean the structure that in turn gives rise to universes such as our own or whatever structure that creation has)

This points to an aspect of separating between pure awareness/God/Consciousness and the created. Creation arises in an unmanifest space of self-awareness. A gap, if you will, in the boundless Brahman. The expression is a side-effect of celebration rather than a direct intention of That. But it’s also all contained within the One. The creation is not actually separate.

We can say this is the Lila or play of God and we can see why it might be said to be unreal and causeless. We can also ask where this structure of intelligence came from. We can see it’s based on past experience, past creation. But in the context of eternity, what is the beginning?

Clearly, it is the origins of awareness itself for it is the dynamics of awareness being self-aware that  give rise to all expression.

Yet the vastness of intelligence remains beyond comprehension. The intellect is simply not able to take it all in at once. As others have said, only God can be omniscient.
Davidya